In a world where we have an ongoing debate about whether Donald Trump is merely supremely self-confident or deserving of a psychiatric diagnosis of narcissism, the whole concept of “self-esteem” seems up for grabs.
Is self-esteem a necessary component for leadership and general success?
Or a slippery slope toward selfishness or even narcissism?
It’s not a trivial question. Emerging research all points to the fact that leaders with strong emotional intelligence are more effective in the workplace. It’s one of the reasons that professional leadership coaching that focuses on development of emotional intelligence is such a fast-growing practice.
But self-confidence – the ability to demonstrate a kind of self-assurance and ease with exercising authority – is still a trait that most Americans look for in leaders, whether in the workplace or in politics.
Many Americans are drawn toward leaders with self-confidence, leaders who exude a certain swagger.
Political orientation doesn’t matter much here: the swagger that many Americans liked about George W. Bush is not that far off from the swagger that other Americans appreciate in President Obama.
But what’s the difference between self-confidence, self-esteem, and narcissism? Is there a difference, or is it just a matter of degree? (One man’s dictator is another man’s hero?)
I’m not sure we know the answer to this question, but Kristin Neff (Assoc. Professor of Educational Psychology, University of Texas-Austin) has focused her career on exploring a different question, one that challenges the usefulness of the entire concept of self-esteem:
What is the value of self-compassion?
Neff asserts that self-esteem — as we understand and practice it in the United States, at least — does more harm than good.
“In one influential review of the self-esteem literature, it was concluded that high self-esteem actually did not improve academic achievement or job performance or leadership skills or prevent children from smoking, drinking, taking drugs, and engaging in early sex. If anything, high self-esteem appears to be the consequence rather than the cause of healthy behaviors.” (Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff, 2011)
Neff believes that self-compassion appears to offer the same advantages as high self-esteem, with no discernible downsides (e.g., the slippery slope to narcissism).
Of course, Neff didn’t invent the idea of self-compassion (which she is clear about in her research and publications): it’s an old concept rooted in Buddhism.
The Dalai Lama states quite clearly: “Those people who suffer from self-hatred, such persons
Those who cannot develop compassion for others are hamstrung in a fast-changing world where, more than ever, we must work together across boundaries of every kind in order to solve our mutual problems.
In my own coaching practice, I have already seen the power of applying concepts of self-compassion in conjunction with developing emotional intelligence. Leadership skills are only part of the puzzle; the underlying emotional state of leaders determines whether they can effectively put their skills to use.
Americans who are suffering the effects of a chaotic world and a dysfunctional political system are demanding change. And at the moment, Donald Trump’s brand of swagger is very attractive to many who are desperate for answers, and for hope.
But the reality is, old-school leadership that relies on a selfish kind of self-esteem isn’t up to the challenges we face in the world today.
The world is too connected and too interdependent now for bluster and narcissistic charisma. A new kind of leadership will be required, one that brings together teams which are diverse in every way.
I believe that emotional intelligence and self-compassion are at the core of developing a new kind of leader who can bring together such teams, and take us all to the next level.
